This Isn't the Story I Want, But It Isn't the Ending Either.

accepting where you are and seeing beyond it too.

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Dear Starry Souls,

Days ago, I was on the phone with a friend of mine. It had been a while since we had seen each other and it was time for us to check in and see where life was taking us as we were states apart. She told me about her new (amazing) ideas for the short film she wants to create and her excitement about getting it started ahead of the new semester.

Then she asked: What about you? Have you been writing anything new?

To which I answered: No, not really.

Unfortunately, there had been no new poem, essay, or letter. Only the random notes of one-liners on my phone, pages of journal entries I’ve made to keep my head afloat, and a stack of books from the library I keep renewing, but never reading.

It’s not that there is a lack of inspiration for me. Or that I do not have the willpower to sit down at my desk and type something. I have tried several times this past month: opening a blank document only to write somewhat of an intro and to leave it unfinished.

So, what’s my excuse?

I told her that there are things in life that I can not put into words—or form into a fully fleshed-out thing. Especially the certain phase of life I find myself in. How it feels like everything is changing so fast and time is moving along and somehow I feel stagnant in the middle of it all.

But really, there are things I just don’t want to write about. Like how half of this summer has been a long, exhausting depressive episode for me and the days have blended in together. How I’ve spent more time couch-rotting than I would like to admit. Or how I am still affected by things of the past—no matter how much time has moved it further from me and how much healing has been done.

I know I don’t owe anyone these things. That I am not bound to share everything I am going through—especially with my art. But I can’t help but feel frustrated at myself because much of my writing is based on my own life experiences. So what happens when I am not even happy with the life I am experiencing right now?

Every time I have tried to sit and write it all out, I find myself pausing in the middle with a sort of anger and a voice in my head that says: This isn’t the story I want.

I don’t want to have this story of my summer being plagued by an emptiness inside of me. I don’t want to have this story where I am not feeling hopeful about my future. I don’t want to have this story where I am so overwhelmed and paralyzed by fear and the past that I don’t move forward.

Yet, it doesn’t matter if I want to have it or not. Because this simply isn’t the story. This is the chapter I am in. It’s been hard to accept that and my refusal to be present with it has only made me feel worse. It’s caused more friction in me and around me. (Not very Buddhist of me, I know.)

However, with this post, this is me finally trying to do so: admitting that I am not doing well and that I am not where I want to be (and listening to my friend on how I should write about how I don’t want to write.)

I’m allowed to not have a great time. I also don’t have to be in a good place to write. Besides, I can’t force myself to feel better or try to will things to change when I have no control over them.

But this is also me attempting to reframe my thinking (as my therapist has advised me to do) and use that anger to realize that this isn’t the last page. I won’t feel this way forever and it won’t be like this forever. Things will change and life goes on whether I want it to or not. This annoying, goddamn storm will pass and there will be sunshine and a dry patch of grass for me to lay on soon.

So in the meantime, I’ll wake up to the sound of rain, I’ll let my mind wander off, and let my heart long. I’ll feel the emptiness in my chest and the resistance in my bones to continue on. But then I’ll get up, make my bed, and still heat the kettle for a warm cup of green tea because it’s another morning and it isn’t the ending. Just yet.

With love,

Leah K. Tran

P.S. As Emily Dickinson (supposedly said): I wish you a kinder sea :)